A Functional Relationship, What's that?

   Yes, I'm talking about relationships again..but in a different way. Most people have fairly healthy relationships, but not this girl. Like I said in my first post I was in a very unhealthy relationship, for 4 years. It was my first "real" relationship right out of high school so it's the only thing I've really every known relationship wise. I was constantly worrying and wondering "who is he with?", "why isn't he answering me?" "what's he doing?" "Oh, you're sending me to voicemail huh?" Always walking on eggshells because I didn't know if he was going to blow up and tell me he hated me or if he was going to tell me I meant the world to him. His insecurities quickly became mine. Always wondering who he was texting, who that girl was posting on his wall, if was really at home or at the party he had told me his friend's were having, I hated the person I became, the jealous, insecure, dependent girlfriend. He had me in a hold and knew all my weaknesses and insecurities, and played that to his advantage. I had every right to be the jealous girlfriend, he WAS going to parties without me, talking to other girls, even meeting up with them while I waited at home for him. But he had no reason to feel that way about me because I loved him and never wanted him to feel the way I did about myself, because when you love someone you don't want to them to hurt let alone hurt because of something you did or said. 

   I have really been working on not being the typical "my ex was awful to me so every guy is that way" girl, but it's not easy at all. It used to be that if i was "talking" to a guy for a while and he told me he was going out with his friends I'd freak out on the inside "who's he with?" "what is he really doing?" I don't really do that so much anymore. The biggest issue I still have is when we're talking about something serious or something I'm kind of nervous about and I have to wait for a reaction..I'm always worried that I'll get the overreaction I'm used to getting. The "why would you ever think or say that? I can't stand when you do this. Stop texting me, I'm done with you" overreaction..It would get pretty bad..But then a friend of mine reminded me, "Not every guy is (his name). You're just waiting for a typical (his name) reaction." and she was ABSOLUTELY right, I'm always worried it's going to turn into some huge argument. 

When you're in such a dysfunctional relationship for as long as I was it's hard not to fall into old habits but you have to realize not every person is your ex. Not everyone is out there to hurt you or make you feel awful about yourself. 

Relationships are weird

     Relationships. *Sigh* Sometimes they are amazing and work out perfectly, but sometimes they don't work out and they kind of suck. I know I'm not the only one that's met someone, talk to them all day every day for a week or so and become kind of attached then..BOOM..out of nowhere they stop talking ..or you both gradually stop answering each other, then one day neither of you are talking so you just forget about each other. This usually happens with people who meet online..
      Tinder, the popular dating/meet new people and friends app where if you swipe right after seeing the persons profile you can then privately message them and start a conversation. I'm not ashamed to admit I once had a Tinder profile, I mean, who doesn't anymore? I met a few people on there and had some conversations, even met two of them in person..it obviously didn't work out. The first person i met has since become essentially my best friend, I mean, he's been #1 on my snap chat best friends for almost a year. When we first "matched" I was really into him, he was super funny, tall, had a glorious beard, tattoos, and was into the same music as me. We really hit it off, talked all day every day, and became very close. We were to the point that we had started talking about possibly a relationship, that's when things went kind of sour. He told me he was planning on moving to California within the next year and didn't want to put that much distance between us and possibly hurt me. That kind of threw me for a loop, here I was happy and confident that someone was actually into me, someone who I got along with amazingly, then..BOOM.."it's not you it's me". I had fallen for him, hard and had become very attached to him and at the time I thought he felt the same about me, but obviously not. Needless to say after that we didn't really talk like we used to and we slowly started to drift apart. Then out of nowhere he stopped answering my snaps and texts so i stopped trying to salvage the friendship. 
       We hadn't talked in about a month, then one night he texted me out of the blue. He said he had gotten a new job and he was happy..in my mind I kept thinking "good for you, but you broke my heart now leave me alone"..but I couldn't be mean to him, I liked him too much. We reconnected, but I could tell his feelings still weren't the same as mine, they aren't to this day. I will always have a spot deep in my heart for him because he was the first guy to actually accept me as I was, a single mom who had been in a very dysfunctional relationship for 4 years.
         We still talk almost every day, even if it's just a snap here or there, or if I need advice about something. But there are times when I wonder when he snaps me first if he's really snapping me or if it's going to someone else..I know, I know, I shouldn't care but it's hard not to when your kind of attached to someone like that. I mean he did kind of break my heart..It's just kind of funny how this relationship turned out

          The way my generation and even the younger generations treat relationships is all very weird to me. Most people my age are just wanting to hook up with anyone and everyone who is around, not me..that's gross. I truly believe chivalry is dead. No one can just be with one person or even treat them the way the deserve to be treated. I'm not saying we have to back to the 50's when the woman was a stay at home mom who was all dolled up and had dinner waiting for the man with a cocktail in her hand. What I'm saying is take her out, not to a bar where all your friends and you are getting wasted, take her to dinner, a nice one. Ask her questions about herself, don't treat her like a piece of meat, be honest and up front with her. There's nothing more off putting than a guy who is way too cocky and can't be up front with you about how he's feeling, whether or not he's really into you or he's just looking for a hook up. And to the ladies, stop throwing yourself at every guy that walks your way, it's not attractive and you make us girls who truly are nice girls look bad. You are worth way more than what you think, so please just stop. No guy who is worth your time is going to take you seriously if your'e wasted and all over everyone all the time. 

               Relationships..they're..complicated and not what they used to be..
         

Beards..I love them.

While beards have been around for centuries, they became widely more popular in 2014. With the new found obsession of the beard in the last year, most men have no idea about the beard care products that are out there, or what products are the best to use,  let alone how to take care of one. As a woman who is madly in love with beards it's very off putting to see a neglected beard. Beard oils, balms, and waxes are what help a beard not only look good, but smell and feel amazing too. It's been my experience that someone who uses those products has a happier and healthier looking beard. It also shows a visual expression of a man's ruggedness. There is a certain boldness that a beard creates, not to say that if you can't grow a beard you're not a man, because we all know that's not true. When most people see a beard they think aggressiveness or dominance, not me. When I see a beard that's properly groomed and maintained I just want to run my hands through it, smell it, and even cuddle with it. My ideal beard is a nicely trimmed and groomed one, that smells of lilac or teak wood. The most common question from a person who is growing a beard for the first time is, "how do i grow my beard faster, thicker and longer?" There are many factors when it comes to having a healthy beard; genetics, drinking lots of water, getting plenty of rest, trimming it regularly, using beard oils, balms and waxes, a good diet, and a healthy sex life. No joke, a healthy sex life, men produce testosterone leading up to and during the act and testosterone helps grow hair. Another very common question is, "What's the difference between beard oil and beard wax?" I love this question because I love being able to educate people on this. Wax is used more to style the beard, keep the little fly aways tame. Beard oil is basically the love child of wax and balm. It has all the essential oils that condition and revive the beard with the the styling hold of wax. They both come in many different scents but my favorites are the more manly smells; teak wood, bourbon, sandalwood. Every beard is different, and needs to be taken care of in a different way. Some men can wash their beard and use oils every other day, and it looks great; other men may have to trim and use oils or balms more often. Bearding isn't only a fashion statement, but more of a lifestyle. It's not something you can be halfway about, you have to truly be committed. Having a good looking, healthy human mane can not be accomplished without the right knowledge, proper hygiene and great beard care products. There are a wide variety products, so make sure you do your homework before choosing.  A well maintained and groomed beard is a happy beard, so keep your beard happy and beard On.

Life can be beautifully complicated

How do I start this? What do I say? I have recently in the last couple of years realized life can be beautifully complicated. Let's start from the beginning, November of this year I will have been broken up with the person I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with, and the father of my son. It was a very toxic relationship. I had trust issues from the start and they only got worse as the years went on. There were a few times when I had tried to shake him off and leave, be he had a hold on me, and he knew it. The thing about being in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship is that you don't see it until you really want to. You know it's not right that he can do whatever he wants when he wants but you love him, you've become dependent on him for your happiness, so you'll do whatever it takes to keep him happy. You sacrifice friendships, you lie about little things so people don't question you ("oh he doesn't feel good today so I'm going to stay home with him" when really he's nursing a hang over from the party he went to alone last night), time with your family, doing things you enjoy, all because you must keep him happy, because when he's not happy, you're not happy. The relationship had ended for what I thought was the last time. I was determined to shake him this time. Then one night out of the blue, he needed a ride home. I tried to ignore him but I couldn't, so I dragged myself out of bed and we ended up back at my place, needless to say a few months later we were expecting. I was so afraid that he'd leave as soon as he found out because he was notorious for running when things got tough. He didn't though, he was great and very supportive for the first six months and that's when things started to change. He wasn't coming home right after work anymore, a few nights he didn't come home at all. We were both very nervous being new and young parents, we just handled it differently. As I was nearing the end of my pregnancy I noticed he was constantly on his phone but trying to hide it like he had done in the past when he was getting attention from other girls, another one of our issues. When I asked him about it he said it was someone from work asking about their schedule so I didn't think anything of it. After our son was born things had gotten worse. Yes we were both very excited about our little bundle of joy but there were still underlying issues. Why was he always on his phone? Who was the person he was talking to? Why did they always need to know the or schedule? Most woman after having a child aren't very comfortable with their bodies and have some issues with hormones, I mean mother nature is pretty mad that she hasn't been around for nine months, and she let's you know it. No, I wasn't ready to be intimate right after giving birth, I wanted no part in that. I was physically and mentally exhausted and recovering from a c-section but he couldn't keep his hands off me. I became more and more reclusive  the more he pushed.  I tried to explain to him what was happening and that I needed him to be there for me emotionally but he didn't understand. One day as I was feeding our son we had gotten into an argument about his phone and why he was hiding it all the time, his phone rings, it was the person he'd been hiding, it was another girl, right in front of me he made plans with her. That was such a devastating blow, here I had just birthed his son and told him I needed him emotionally and he's making plans with another girl! Needless to say there was no saving "us", he had proven to me that no matter what I did for him, no matter how well I'd taken care of him, he was always in going to need someone else's attention. It was very hard for me as mother to make that choice to not have my "family" that I'd always wanted but I knew if we'd stayed together things only would have been worse. I fell into a deep depression after that, I was not happy with my life or the person I was. I still struggle with it every day. I have good days when I'm happy and everything is good, but I have bad days when I'm very sad, nothing is good and I hate myself. It's very hard to get out of that depression when you don't know where to go or who to turn to. There are people that I'm very close to who don't believe depression is a real thing and they think that getting out of bed and going outside or distracting myself will make it better, but what they don't know is sometimes I can hardly make it out of bed and on those days I only make it to the couch. What I have learned from all of that is life will throw you curve ball after curve ball and you're not always going catch them but when you do life will be beautifully complicated..