Life can be beautifully complicated

How do I start this? What do I say? I have recently in the last couple of years realized life can be beautifully complicated. Let's start from the beginning, November of this year I will have been broken up with the person I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with, and the father of my son. It was a very toxic relationship. I had trust issues from the start and they only got worse as the years went on. There were a few times when I had tried to shake him off and leave, be he had a hold on me, and he knew it. The thing about being in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship is that you don't see it until you really want to. You know it's not right that he can do whatever he wants when he wants but you love him, you've become dependent on him for your happiness, so you'll do whatever it takes to keep him happy. You sacrifice friendships, you lie about little things so people don't question you ("oh he doesn't feel good today so I'm going to stay home with him" when really he's nursing a hang over from the party he went to alone last night), time with your family, doing things you enjoy, all because you must keep him happy, because when he's not happy, you're not happy. The relationship had ended for what I thought was the last time. I was determined to shake him this time. Then one night out of the blue, he needed a ride home. I tried to ignore him but I couldn't, so I dragged myself out of bed and we ended up back at my place, needless to say a few months later we were expecting. I was so afraid that he'd leave as soon as he found out because he was notorious for running when things got tough. He didn't though, he was great and very supportive for the first six months and that's when things started to change. He wasn't coming home right after work anymore, a few nights he didn't come home at all. We were both very nervous being new and young parents, we just handled it differently. As I was nearing the end of my pregnancy I noticed he was constantly on his phone but trying to hide it like he had done in the past when he was getting attention from other girls, another one of our issues. When I asked him about it he said it was someone from work asking about their schedule so I didn't think anything of it. After our son was born things had gotten worse. Yes we were both very excited about our little bundle of joy but there were still underlying issues. Why was he always on his phone? Who was the person he was talking to? Why did they always need to know the or schedule? Most woman after having a child aren't very comfortable with their bodies and have some issues with hormones, I mean mother nature is pretty mad that she hasn't been around for nine months, and she let's you know it. No, I wasn't ready to be intimate right after giving birth, I wanted no part in that. I was physically and mentally exhausted and recovering from a c-section but he couldn't keep his hands off me. I became more and more reclusive  the more he pushed.  I tried to explain to him what was happening and that I needed him to be there for me emotionally but he didn't understand. One day as I was feeding our son we had gotten into an argument about his phone and why he was hiding it all the time, his phone rings, it was the person he'd been hiding, it was another girl, right in front of me he made plans with her. That was such a devastating blow, here I had just birthed his son and told him I needed him emotionally and he's making plans with another girl! Needless to say there was no saving "us", he had proven to me that no matter what I did for him, no matter how well I'd taken care of him, he was always in going to need someone else's attention. It was very hard for me as mother to make that choice to not have my "family" that I'd always wanted but I knew if we'd stayed together things only would have been worse. I fell into a deep depression after that, I was not happy with my life or the person I was. I still struggle with it every day. I have good days when I'm happy and everything is good, but I have bad days when I'm very sad, nothing is good and I hate myself. It's very hard to get out of that depression when you don't know where to go or who to turn to. There are people that I'm very close to who don't believe depression is a real thing and they think that getting out of bed and going outside or distracting myself will make it better, but what they don't know is sometimes I can hardly make it out of bed and on those days I only make it to the couch. What I have learned from all of that is life will throw you curve ball after curve ball and you're not always going catch them but when you do life will be beautifully complicated..