Life Update 2018 Part 1

I've started this exact blog post about five hundred times, but never knew how to start it or what to even say.

I will start with this, I have a wonderful four year old son who has never known what it is like to have both parents under the same roof. For those of you that aren't picking up what I'm putting down; His father and I were never married, only dating,  **in an extremely toxic relationship**. We lived together on and off for years and about two months after our tiny human was born he moved out for good. I quickly realized that everything I thought my life was going to be was no longer that; It was almost like someone had pulled the tablecloth that was my new adventure right out from under me and I was falling..HARD. Not only had the person who I believed I was going to spend the rest of my life and build a family with left me, but I was also dealing with the "Baby Blues" a.k.a depression. I was sad for my son to never know what it was like to live with both parents, I didn't (and still don't) want him to think he came from a place of hate because at one point his father and I obviously loved each other. Times became very dark after that, I was surrounding myself with anyone and everyone that gave me any kind of attention. I came to my senses very quickly after a close family member gave me the harsh reality talk.

It took me roughly two years before I fully climbed out of that dark hole. I can't say firmly that I don't get close to the edge of that hole or that I don't sometimes dip my toes back into it because I do. Sometimes I become depressed all over again, I lose myself in insecurities of my parenting and life. I believe it will be something I ALWAYS struggle with. Here I am four years later, still living in the same place, working the same shitty retail jobs. But things are looking up; I'm furthering my education (working towards a doctorate) for my son to have the life he deserves. That was until the day I was served with custody papers.




"I'm looking for Alexis Cary."
"That's me."
"You've been served."




Tiny human's father wanted full custody. Let me repeat that, FULLY CUSTODY. He wanted to take my whole world from me. A lot of people have asked "Why? After four years, why would he do that?" I want to give them a complete answer but it's complicated. I want to yell and scream about how petty and mean he is, how it's not because he actually wants to spend that time with his son. It's to hurt me, to humiliate me, to break me; I say this because about a week before I was served I filed for child support. Now, I have to make this part very clear. I had asked "C" for a paycheck stub and was only going to as for 20% because that is Illinois state law; I didn't want to take him to court and go through that whole mess, all I wanted was a paycheck stub. I asked for months, that turned into a year so after being fed up and finally not scared of him, I took the chance and filed. His response was typical for his nature,

"Well I'm going to take you for custody."

I'm lost

Sometimes in life we become lost; whether it's in love or life in general. And you can find your way and become lost again. When you're lost your emotions are mixed up; you don't know how to feel about ANYTHING. Things that used to excite or interest you just don't do the trick anymore. You don't know why you're crying for no reason and you can't stop. YOU.ARE.LOST. And sometimes you want to scream for help but you don't know how, so you stay lost.

I've been lost for years. A year ago though, I thought I wasn't. I thought I knew everything I wanted and was setting out to finally accomplish my goals. Then the cold hard hand of life pushed me off track; I became lost again. And the scariest part of being lost is the empty, "nothingness" you feel.

I. Am. Lost.

Things to know when dating a girl who was in an emotionally abusive relationship

1. She may seem insecure about petty things.
When you're in an emotionally abusive relationship you do become insecure about petty things and it may take her a while to get over them, just give her time.

2. Always stay true to your word.
One of the worst things about this kind of    relationship is the fact that the person doing it to you always breaks their promises. "Yes, I promise I love you. Yes, I promise we will go on a real date tomorrow. Yes, I promise she's just a friend".

3. It might take her some time to open up to you.
Having things constantly thrown in your face, whether it's something from your past or something you said jokingly and they took it wrong, always sucks. So if she doesn't open up right away, be patient it'll happen.

4. Love will not come easy for her.
*sigh* she has been broken down so many times that she has given up on finding "love" or even the concept of it. Just wait, when she's ready it will happen.

5. Be patient with her.
She's going to need someone who will be understanding of what's she been through. Don't try and "threaten" her with the "I'm not him" line, of course she knows that but she needs to feel and see that for herself.
She may also be a little distant at times, she's used to being pushed away all time so she may be trying to protect herself from getting hurt.

It's not easy to come back from an emotionally abusive relationship. But when a girl does come back from it, she's a stronger person and needs a strong person to be with her.

A letter to my son

I am sorry. I am sorry I can't always keep it together. Just know that while your dad and I are no longer together, you weren't created out of hate. You were a very big surprise, but a good one and we both love you very much.

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we wanted. It hurts my heart knowing that all you've ever known is that mom has a house and dad has a house, but I promise it's for a good reason. I tried for a very long time to keep everything together. I wanted you to grow up in a good environment and I knew that wouldn't be the case.

Yes, I get stressed from time to time but I know that if things were still the same I'd be stressed all the time, and it would be a completely different kind of stress. The kind of stress that would cause you, my toddler, to stress yourself and get upset about. That is no way to live. It was a VERY tough decision for me to make, but I knew I had to make it.

I will always want and strive for what's best for you.

I love you hampig.

That Connection..

Everyone, well most people, have that one person, that we should let go, but we can't. The person who you become very close with, very fast. The who you talk to about life. The one who you that connection with, that really deep, you don't know how to explain it kind of connection. The one who ended up hurting you in some way, maybe even a long time ago, but you just can't seem to stay away.

I have that one person, but I don't think that person feels the connection that I feel. When I talk to them or even see them I quickly become excited/anxious. We have a history, and even when we were first getting to know each other I had feelings that were not reciprocated, but I couldn't stay away. We wouldn't talk for months but when I was feeling down I'd talk to that person and at first it would be kind of awkward but then we'd be able to talk like old times, and slowly but surely those feelings would come back again. As much as I knew that they didn't feel the same way about me and that I shouldn't talk to them anymore, I just felt this..connection.

It's kind of weird how we get attached to certain people, and they don't get attached to you, but others we can just let fade out of our lives.

A Functional Relationship, What's that?

   Yes, I'm talking about relationships again..but in a different way. Most people have fairly healthy relationships, but not this girl. Like I said in my first post I was in a very unhealthy relationship, for 4 years. It was my first "real" relationship right out of high school so it's the only thing I've really every known relationship wise. I was constantly worrying and wondering "who is he with?", "why isn't he answering me?" "what's he doing?" "Oh, you're sending me to voicemail huh?" Always walking on eggshells because I didn't know if he was going to blow up and tell me he hated me or if he was going to tell me I meant the world to him. His insecurities quickly became mine. Always wondering who he was texting, who that girl was posting on his wall, if was really at home or at the party he had told me his friend's were having, I hated the person I became, the jealous, insecure, dependent girlfriend. He had me in a hold and knew all my weaknesses and insecurities, and played that to his advantage. I had every right to be the jealous girlfriend, he WAS going to parties without me, talking to other girls, even meeting up with them while I waited at home for him. But he had no reason to feel that way about me because I loved him and never wanted him to feel the way I did about myself, because when you love someone you don't want to them to hurt let alone hurt because of something you did or said. 

   I have really been working on not being the typical "my ex was awful to me so every guy is that way" girl, but it's not easy at all. It used to be that if i was "talking" to a guy for a while and he told me he was going out with his friends I'd freak out on the inside "who's he with?" "what is he really doing?" I don't really do that so much anymore. The biggest issue I still have is when we're talking about something serious or something I'm kind of nervous about and I have to wait for a reaction..I'm always worried that I'll get the overreaction I'm used to getting. The "why would you ever think or say that? I can't stand when you do this. Stop texting me, I'm done with you" overreaction..It would get pretty bad..But then a friend of mine reminded me, "Not every guy is (his name). You're just waiting for a typical (his name) reaction." and she was ABSOLUTELY right, I'm always worried it's going to turn into some huge argument. 

When you're in such a dysfunctional relationship for as long as I was it's hard not to fall into old habits but you have to realize not every person is your ex. Not everyone is out there to hurt you or make you feel awful about yourself. 

Relationships are weird

     Relationships. *Sigh* Sometimes they are amazing and work out perfectly, but sometimes they don't work out and they kind of suck. I know I'm not the only one that's met someone, talk to them all day every day for a week or so and become kind of attached then..BOOM..out of nowhere they stop talking ..or you both gradually stop answering each other, then one day neither of you are talking so you just forget about each other. This usually happens with people who meet online..
      Tinder, the popular dating/meet new people and friends app where if you swipe right after seeing the persons profile you can then privately message them and start a conversation. I'm not ashamed to admit I once had a Tinder profile, I mean, who doesn't anymore? I met a few people on there and had some conversations, even met two of them in person..it obviously didn't work out. The first person i met has since become essentially my best friend, I mean, he's been #1 on my snap chat best friends for almost a year. When we first "matched" I was really into him, he was super funny, tall, had a glorious beard, tattoos, and was into the same music as me. We really hit it off, talked all day every day, and became very close. We were to the point that we had started talking about possibly a relationship, that's when things went kind of sour. He told me he was planning on moving to California within the next year and didn't want to put that much distance between us and possibly hurt me. That kind of threw me for a loop, here I was happy and confident that someone was actually into me, someone who I got along with amazingly, then..BOOM.."it's not you it's me". I had fallen for him, hard and had become very attached to him and at the time I thought he felt the same about me, but obviously not. Needless to say after that we didn't really talk like we used to and we slowly started to drift apart. Then out of nowhere he stopped answering my snaps and texts so i stopped trying to salvage the friendship. 
       We hadn't talked in about a month, then one night he texted me out of the blue. He said he had gotten a new job and he was happy..in my mind I kept thinking "good for you, but you broke my heart now leave me alone"..but I couldn't be mean to him, I liked him too much. We reconnected, but I could tell his feelings still weren't the same as mine, they aren't to this day. I will always have a spot deep in my heart for him because he was the first guy to actually accept me as I was, a single mom who had been in a very dysfunctional relationship for 4 years.
         We still talk almost every day, even if it's just a snap here or there, or if I need advice about something. But there are times when I wonder when he snaps me first if he's really snapping me or if it's going to someone else..I know, I know, I shouldn't care but it's hard not to when your kind of attached to someone like that. I mean he did kind of break my heart..It's just kind of funny how this relationship turned out

          The way my generation and even the younger generations treat relationships is all very weird to me. Most people my age are just wanting to hook up with anyone and everyone who is around, not me..that's gross. I truly believe chivalry is dead. No one can just be with one person or even treat them the way the deserve to be treated. I'm not saying we have to back to the 50's when the woman was a stay at home mom who was all dolled up and had dinner waiting for the man with a cocktail in her hand. What I'm saying is take her out, not to a bar where all your friends and you are getting wasted, take her to dinner, a nice one. Ask her questions about herself, don't treat her like a piece of meat, be honest and up front with her. There's nothing more off putting than a guy who is way too cocky and can't be up front with you about how he's feeling, whether or not he's really into you or he's just looking for a hook up. And to the ladies, stop throwing yourself at every guy that walks your way, it's not attractive and you make us girls who truly are nice girls look bad. You are worth way more than what you think, so please just stop. No guy who is worth your time is going to take you seriously if your'e wasted and all over everyone all the time. 

               Relationships..they're..complicated and not what they used to be..